A clip of the movie,and the BGM is "the end of the world+downtown"
Susanna: Have you ever confused a dream... with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
Dr. A: Aspirin fragments and vodka, I think. Dr. B: Don't tell me what you think. Take it to the lab. Susanna: You shouId check my hand. There's no bones in it. Dr. A: A wrist banger. Is that why you did this? Susanna: ...And other things. Dr. C: Her parents are on the way. Susanna: Sometimes it's hard for me to stay in one place...
Dr. Crumble: Susanna, if you had no bones in your hand, how did you pick up the aspirin? Susanna: What is my mother doing? Dr. Crumble: Would you answer my question please? How did you pick up the aspirin if you had no bones in your hand? Susanna: By then, they'd come back. Dr. Crumble: Oh, I see. Susanna: No, you don't. Dr. Crumble: Well... Indulge me, then. Explain it to me. Susanna: Explain what? Explain to a doctor that the laws of physics can be suspended? That what goes up may not come down? Explain... that time can move backwards and forwards... and now to then and back again... and you can't control it?
Mrs. Gilcrest: Now Bonnie was in your lit. class, wasn't she? Susanna: Yeah. How is she doing? Mrs. Gilcrest: She just got accepted to Radcliffe. Oh! What a conundrum. I'm a Wellesley girl, myself. But I think young women should just make up their own mind, don't you think so?
Dr. Crumble: Susanna, are you stoned? Do you smoke pot? Take LSD? No drugs? How do you feel right now? Susanna: I... don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling. Dr. Crumble: You need a rest. Susanna: Well, I'll go home, take a nap. Dr. Crumble: No no. You need to go somewhere where you can get a genuine rest. And you're very lucky. The best place in the world for someone like you... is less than a half an hour from here. Susanna: You don't mean Claymoore. Dr. Crumble: Susanna, four days ago... you chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka. Susanna: I had a headache. Dr. Crumble: Susanna, your father is a friend of mine. He's a colleague. He asked me to see you... even though I don't do this anymore. You're hurting everyone around you. Now, Claymoore is a topnotch place. A lot of people go there. Even writers. Like you. Susanna: Great.
Professor Gilcrest: Susanna, you there? Hey, I want to see you again. Susanna: Look. It was a one time thing, okay? Professor Gilcrest: Just come to my office tonight. Tell them you're going to a friend's. Please. Susanna: Who do you want me to tell first? My parents, the department chairman, or your wife? Professor Gilcrest: Susanna, Susanna... Susanna: No! [shut the door]
Taxi Driver: What did you do? What did you do? Susanna: Excuse me? Taxi Driver: Well, you look normal. Susanna: I'm sad. Taxi Driver: Well, everyone's sad. Susanna: I see things. Taxi Driver: You mean, like tripping? Susanna: Kind of. Taxi Driver: Well then they should put John Lennon away, huh? Susanna: I'm not John Lennon. Taxi Driver: Don't get too comfortable.
Teacher: Miss Kaysen? You have the distinction of being the only senior in Spring Brook not going on to college. May I ask what you plan to do? Susanna: I plan to write. Teacher: Well, what do you plan to do? Susanna: Look, I'm not gonna burn my bra or drop acid or go march on Washington. I just... don't want to end up like my mother. Teacher: Women today have more choices than that. Susanna: No, they don't.
Susanna: I won't be here that long. I'm just here for a rest. Valerie: It's all right. Everybody gets the same tour free of charge.
Lisa: Hey, Torch. Polly: Hey, Lisa. Lisa: You miss me? Polly: Not much.
Mrs. McWilley: I am Mrs. McWilley, and these are for you. [pass her the meds] Susanna: What are they? Mrs. McWilley: They'll help you sleep. Susanna: It's 10:30. I'm not gonna... Daisy: For christ's sake. Mrs. McWilley: You can discuss it in the morning, dear, with your doctor. In the meantime, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Take 'em here, have some water.
Boy: What are your plans this fall? Susanna: What? Boy: What are your plans this fall? Susanna: I don't have any. Boy: I'm gonna be an ethnobotanist. Full scholarship to M.I.T. Susanna: I'm going to join the Krishnas. Boy: Hare Krishna? That's interesting, actually. Susanna: I was kidding.
Toby: I mean, everybody thinks about it at some point. Susanna: How would you do it? Toby: I don't know. I guess I haven't really thought about it. Susanna: See, once it's in your head, though... you become this... strange, new breed. A life form that loves to fantasize about its own demise. Make a stupid remark, kill yourself. You like the movie, you live. You miss the train, kill yourself. Toby: Susanna. Susanna: What? Toby: Let's not talk about this anymore, okay? Susanna: Why? Toby: Because it's... stupid. What? What are you doing? What? Because I don't want to kill myself? That's not cool to you? Susanna: I don't wanna die. I was just talking. Toby: Look, Susanna, the world is fucked up, okay? It's so fucked up that if some... draft zombie pulls my birthday out of a barrel... I'm gonna die. Susanna: When's your birthday? Toby: December 30th. Susanna: I'll pray for you. Toby: Susanna. [she got dress and left]
Valerie: You asked for this? [gave her a razor] Susanna: Are you gonna watch? Valerie: Afraid so. That's why there's so many fuzzy legged women around here. Susanna: Has anybody ever watched you shave your legs? Valerie: I got two kids and one bathroom. What do you think? Susanna: I think you should lock the door.
Susanna: Oh, my God. A guy I know was just drafted. Janet: What's his name? Susanna: Toby. Janet: He's dead now.
Lisa: So, have you had your first Melvin yet? Susanna: Who's that? Lisa: Bald guy with a little pecker and a fat wife. Your therapist, sweet pea. Unless... unless they're giving you shocks. Or, God forbid, letting you out. Then you'll see the great, wonderful Dr. Dyke. M.G.: She means Dr. Wick. Susanna: I've been in his office but haven't met him yet. M.G.: He's a she. Dr. Wick's a girl. Lisa: That's right, M.G. Wick's a chick.
Melvin: Why are you using the past tense? Susanna: What do you mean? Melvin: Well, he was... only drafted today, so chances are, he's not dead yet. He probably has severaI months... before he even reports. Susanna: He was just a nice guy, that's all. And it made me feel bad. Melvin: You've been feeling bad in general, right? You've been feeling depressed. Susanna: I haven't exactly been a ball of joy, Melvin. Melvin: I understand you tried to kill yourself last week. Anything you want to tell me about that? Susanna: I had a headache. Melvin: So I assume you took the recommended aspirin dosage for a headache. Susanna: I didn't try to kill myself. Melvin: What were you trying to do? Susanna: I was trying to make the shit stop. Melvin: The time jumps, the depression... the headaches, the thing with your hand? Susanna: All of the above. Melvin: I see.
Susanna: Everyone here's fucking crazy! Melvin: You wanna go home? Susanna: Same problem.
Lisa: So Daddy buys you a private, and no one gets in, huh? You never leave except when Valerie makes you go to the cafeteria... where you never eat. You're a laxative junkie. I always thought you were like Janet, but here you are with this chicken. So what's with that, huh? Daisy: My dad owns a deli, asshole, with a rotisserie. I like my dad's chicken. When I eat something else, I puke. Susanna: But why do you eat it here? Why don't you like to go to the cafeteria? Daisy: Which do you like better? Taking a dump alone or with Valerie watching? Susanna: Alone. Daisy: Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out. I like to be alone when it goes in. To me, the cafeteria's like being with 20 girls all at once taking a dump.
Georgina: Lisa. Is Daisy really getting out? Lisa: Yeah. She coughed up a big one. Susanna: How can... I mean, she's insane. Lisa: That's what "ther-rape-me" is all about. That's why fucking Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall. He created a fucking industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets, and you're saved. The more you confess, the more they think about setting you free. Susanna: But what if you don't have a secret? Lisa: Then you're a lifer, like me.
Mr. Kaysen: Just how long is my daughter going to be here? Melvin: With all due respect, Mr. Kaysen... psychiatry and economics are different. The length of Susanna's stay isn't fixed. It depends on her response to treatment. Mr. Kaysen: For what? Depression? It's almost Christmas. What are we supposed to say to the people back home who care about her? Susanna: See, Melvin, what's going on here is... my parents are having a little holiday cocktail Christmas party crisis. Mr. Kaysen: Susanna! Susanna: What?
Mrs. Kaysen: So what's the "borderline" business you mentioned on the phone? Melvin: Oh, look... I don't think that's useful to Susanna. I mean, not... Susanna: What "borderline business"? Melvin: The mind... Susanna: Borderline what? Borderline between what and what? Melvin! Melvin: It's a condition, Susanna. And it's called Borderline PersonaIity Disorder. Mrs. Kaysen: Oh, God. Melvin: It's not uncommon. Especially among young women. Mrs. Kaysen: What causes it? Melvin: We're really not sure. Susanna: Is it genetic? Mr. Kaysen: Oh, Christ! Melvin: It is five times more common... among those with a borderline... parent. Mrs. Kaysen: I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't. I can't do this.
Lisa: Razors pain you; rivers are damp; acid stains you; drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; nooses give... gas smells awful; you might as well live.
Janet: Asshole. Lisa: Fatso.
M.G.: John. Call me a cab. John: Okay, you're a cab.
Janet: Lisa thinks she's hot shit because she's a sociopath. M.G.: I'm a sociopath. Lisa: No, you're a dyke.
Susanna: "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self image, relationships and mood. Uncertainty about goals. Impulsive in activities that are self-damaging... such as casual sex." Lisa: I like that. Susanna: "Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed." Well, that's me. Lisa: That's everybody. Susanna: I mean, what kind of sex isn't casual? Janet: They mean promiscuous.
Susanna: You know, taking us for ice creams in a blizzard... makes you wonder who the real whack jobs are.
Lisa: Hey. Ronny. Ronny: Yes? Lisa: Got any hot fudge? Ronny: Yes. Lisa: Can I have a vanilla sundae with hot fudge... and sprinkles. Rainbow, not chocolate. And... [laping the cherry] Whipped cream, cherries... and... Ronny: ...Nuts? [everybody laughs]
Lisa: Lady, back off. Mrs. Gilcrest: Was I talking to you? Bonnie: Mother, we have to go. Lisa: No, you're spitting on me, so mellow fucking out. Mrs. Gilcrest: Don't you tell me what to do. Lisa: Look, she gave your husband a rim job. Big fucking deal! I mean he was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway. Mrs. Gilcrest: How dare you! Lisa: Some advice: Don't point your fucking finger at crazy people!
Valerie: Did you enjoy the fresh air? Lisa: Yeah, I did. Well, thanks. Valerie: Good. Because it's the last time you're leaving the ward. Lisa: Is that a dare or a double dare?
Teacher: Now, what kind of tree can you be, Janet, down there on the floor? Janet: I'm a fucking shrub, all right?
Lisa: Hey, Margie. Margie: Hey, Lisa. Lisa: What you doing? Margie: Checks. Lisa: How's Joe? Margie: He's fine. Lisa: Yeah. Margie: Lisa, I have to do my checks. Lisa: Yeah, and what? Taking five minutes for me would be a dereliction of duty? What if I had a punctured artery? What would you do? You'd just keep going about your rounds, ignoring my wounds? Margie: Lisa, Stop it. Lisa: Stop what? You fucking pig. Look at this. Go ahead. Go ahead. Margie: That's enough! Lisa: Take one step and I'll jam this in my aorta! Go ahead. Go ahead. Margie: Stop it! Valerie: Lisa, your aorta is in your chest. Lisa: ...Good to know. I'll make a note of that. Valerie: Good.
Toby: Susanna, you're not crazy. Okay? You don't need to be here. Susanna: I tried to kill myseIf, Toby. Toby: You took some aspirin. Susanna: I took a bottle of aspirin. Toby: That buys you a year in this place? Susanna, That's bullshit, okay? They're breaking you. Come on. All right? Everything's changing, man. What the fuck do they know about being normal? Susanna: I... I have friends in here. Toby: Who? Them? Those girls... Susanna... They're eating grapes off of the wallpaper, okay? They're insane. Susanna: If they are, I am.
Toby: You wanna Ieave, don't you? I mean... Susanna: Yes. I wanna Ieave. But not with you. Not with you. I'm sorry.
Susanna: Hey. What happened to Polly? Lisa: What needs to happen? No one's ever gonna kiss her. Look. They're building a new Disneyland in Florida. If I could have any job in the world, I'd be a professional Cinderella. You could be Snow White. Polly could be Minnie Mouse and then... Everyone hug her and kiss her and love her and... no one would know what's inside that giant head. You know?
Susanna: Hey, Polly. It's Susanna. Lisa: Just play something. If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now. Come on.
Dr. Wick: You look tired. Susanna: Polly freaked out last night and we stayed up singing to her, Lisa and I. Dr. Wick: Have you become friends with Lisa? Susanna: Why? Is that bad? Dr. Wick: Does it feel bad? Susanna: No. Dr. Wick: Before you came here, did you have many girlfriends? Susanna: Not really. Dr. Wick: WouId you say that before you came here, your friends consisted mainly... of boys, of men? Susanna: Does it say in there that I'm promiscuous? Dr. Wick: Why do you choose that word? Susanna: How many guys would I have to sleep with to be considered promiscuous? Textbook promiscuous? Dr. Wick: What do you think? Susanna: Ten? Eight? Five? And how many girls would a guy might have to sleep with to be considered promiscuous? Ten? Twenty ? A hundred and nine ? Dr. Wick: Well. Someone who's compulsively promiscuous... might engage in a sex act with a guest in their room... and then engage in another sex act during the same day with an orderly. Susanna: Am I in trouble for kissing an orderly or giving my boyfriend a blowjob? Dr. Wick: Melvin says... you have some very interesting theories about your illness. You believe there is a mystical undertow in life. "Quicksands of shadows." Susanna: Yeah. Another one of my theories is that you people don't know what you're doing. Dr. Wick: So you acknowledge there is a problem coping with this quicksand. Susanna: You know, I have a problem coping with this hospital. I wanna leave. Dr. Wick: I can't do that. Susanna: I signed myself in, I should be able to sign myself out. Dr. Wick: You signed yourself into our care. We decide when you leave. You're not ready for it, Susanna. Your progress has plateaued. Does that disappoint you? Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact, that's my new favourite word. Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence? Susanna: I don't care. Dr. Wick: If it's your favourite word, I would've... Susanna: It means "I don't care." That's what it means. Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition. The prefix, as in ambidextrous... means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigour." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action. Susanna: Will I stay or will I go? Dr. Wick: Am I sane or am I crazy? Susanna: Those aren't courses of action. Dr. Wick: They can be, dear, for some. Susanna: Well, then, it's the wrong word. Dr. Wick: No. I think it's perfect. "What world is this? What kingdom? What shores of what worlds?" It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The choice of your life. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital for life? Big questions, big decisions. Not surprising you profess carelessness about them. Susanna: ...Is that it? Dr. Wick: For now.
Susanna: Where's Lisa? Where the fuck is Lisa? Valerie: What's the matter? Can't hack it without her? Susanna: You banish her for singing to Polly. We were trying to help her! We were trying to help her! This place is a fucking fascist torture chamber! Valerie: No. See, I worked in state hospitals. This place is a five star hotel.
Valerie: You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people... but you? You are not crazy. Susanna: Then what's wrong with me? What the fuck's going on inside my head? Tell me Dr. Val, what's your diag nonsense? Valerie: You are a lazy, self indulgent little girl... who is driving herself crazy. Susanna: Is that your medical opinion? Huh? Is that what you've learned in your advanced studies at night school... for Negro welfare mothers? I mean, Melvin doesn't have a clue. Wick is a psycho. And you... You pretend you're a doctor. You sign the charts and dole out meds, but you's ain't no doctor, Miss Valerie. You's ain't nothing but a black nursemaid. Valerie: ...And you're just throwing it away.
Susanna: You don't want me, Tony. Tony: Yes, I do, baby. Susanna: No, you don't. I'm a crazy girl. Tony: You're crazy, so we can't have one night of bliss? Susanna: I am a crazy girl. Seriously. Tony: You've been in a hospital? Susanna: Yes. Tony: Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by... and he told them he didn't see purple people no more. Susanna: He got better. Tony: No. He still sees them.
Daisy: So what are you girls going to do in Florida? Lisa: I'm gonna be the new Cinderella at Walt Disney's new theme park. Daisy: Oh. Lisa: Susanna's gonna be Snow White. You can come if you want. You can uh... you can be the cocker spaniel that eats spaghetti.
Lisa: [she saw the wounds in Daisy's arms] What's this? What's this? Daisy: Let go. Lisa: Trying out your new silver?
Daisy: You're just jealous, Lisa... because I got better. Because I was released. Because I have a chance. And a life. Lisa: They didn't release you because you're better, Daisy. They just gave up. You call this a life? Taking Daddy's money? Buying your dollies and your knickknacks? Eating his fucking chicken? Fattening up like a prize fucking heifer? You changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation... and the warden makes house calls. And everybody knows. Everybody knows that he fucks you. What they don't know... is that you like it. You like it.
Susanna: [making the phone call] Yes, I need an ambulance. Lisa: Make it a hearse.
Susanna: You pressed her buttons. Now you're taking her money. Lisa: Please, I didn't press shit. She was waiting for an excuse.
Lisa: Susanna. Don't be stupid. [Susanna was staring at her angrily] Lisa: All right, fine. Be stupid. [left by herself]
Susanna: I couldn't stand up to her. A decent person would have done something. Shut her up. Gone upstairs. Talked to Daisy... Valerie: Melvin said you went upstairs. Susanna: Too late. Valerie: What would you have said to her? Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I'll never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to wanna die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside... to try to kill the thing on the inside. Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this. But you've got to tell some of this to your doctors. Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease? Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've got to do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook. But get it out of yourself. Away, so you can't curl up with it anymore. Susanna: Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth. Valerie: Lisa's been here for eight years. Susanna: I'm so sorry. I was a pig. Valerie: It's all right. Listen. Do not drop anchor here. Understand?
Susanna: When you don't want to feel... death can seem like a dream. But seeing death... really seeing it... makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe there's a moment, growing up... when something peels back. Maybe we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds. Though I missed Lisa, life was easier without her. A thought is a hard thing to control. All I know is that I began to feel things again. Crazy? Sane? Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world... and that was to use the place... to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week... and I let her hear every thought in my head.
Lisa: "If I spread my fingers out, my hand looked more human. So I did that. But it wasn't tiring holding my fingers apart, so I let them relax... and then, I turned my hand over. The back wasn't much better. My veins bulged..." Shut up, I'm reading. Shut up!" I can honestly say that my memory has been transformed... By Freud's definition, I've achieved mental health. And my discharge sheet reads, 'recovered.' Recovered." Susanna: Don't do that! Lisa: "...Had I stopped arguing with my personality? Recovered." We were reading your book. We think it is your last night we're having a little read-aloud... celebrate all the wisdom you're carring into the world. Try to learn something, grow as people. We read how when you were a baby, they strapped you to a board. And how you think Georgina doesn't really wanna leave... And Polly never will, and I'm criminally insane. Susanna: What are you guys doing here? Lisa: "Lisa's eyes, once so magnetic, now just Iook empty." Susanna: Lisa. That is mine. That is mine. Lisa: "Georgina lies only to peopIe who keep her here. Sometimes I think she wants to live in Oz forever." How perceptive. Georgina: You better erase that thing. You better erase it! Cause my father is the head of the CIA, and he could have you dead in minutes! Lisa: "In this world, looks are everything. Sometimes I think Polly's sweetness and purity aren't genuine at all... but a desperate attempt to make it easier for us to look at her." So nice of you to pass judgment on us now that you're cured. Susanna: What the fuck are you doing, Lisa? Lisa: I'm playing the villain, just like you want. I try to give you everything you want. Susanna: No, you don't. Lisa: You wanted your file? I found your file! You wanted out, I got you out! You needed money, I found you some! I fucking consist, and Itold you the truth! I didn't write it in the fucking book! I told you to your face! And I told Daisy to her face, what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself. And I played the fucking villain. Just like you wanted. Susanna: Why would I want that? Lisa: Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea. Makes you the good guy. And you come back here, all sweetness and light and sad and contrite... and everybody says, wrings their hands, congratulating you on all your bravery. Meanwhile, I'm blowing for guys at the bus station for money that was in her fucking roll!
Lisa: What, you don't like me anymore? Susanna: No, I don't! Lisa: Because you're free? Susanna: Shut up! Lisa: You think you're free? I'm free! You don't know what freedom is! I'm free! I can breathe! And you... you're gonna go choke on your average fucking mediocre life!
Lisa: You know, there are too many buttons in the world. Too many buttons, and they're just... There's way too many, just begging to be pressed. They're just begging to be pressed! You know, they're just begging to be pressed. And it makes me wonder. It really makes me fucking wonder. Why doesn't anybody ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anybody reach in and rip out the truth... and tell me that I'm a fucking whore... and that my parents wish I were dead? Susanna: Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Lisa... because you're dead already. Your heart is cold! That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place. You need it to feel alive. It's pathetic.
Susanna: I've wasted a year of my life. And maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world... is stupid and ignorant. But I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it... than down here with you.
Lisa: I'm not really dead. Susanna: I know. Lisa: I'm gonna miss you, Susie Q. Susanna: No, you're not. You're gonna get out of here... and you're gonna come and see me. Okay? Lisa: Yap.
Valerie: Remember me when you shave your legs.
Susanna: Declared healthy... and sent back into the world. My final diagnosis: A recovered borderline. What that means, I still don't know. Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn't being broken... or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me... amplified. If you ever told a lie... and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect... but they were my friends. And by the '70s... most of them were out... living lives. Some I've seen... some, never again. But there isn't a day in my heart doesn't find them.
